News Forum - Bum Gun vs Toilet Paper, which is better for your butt?

[Bluesofa]

30 minutes ago, Poolie said:

Ohhh yuk. Is there any need? We've got tiramisu for this afternoon.....................

That's obviously for afters.

[Marble-eye]

21 minutes ago, SkipsPa said:

After getting used to it in Asia, I installed a "handheld bidet hose" as it's known here in UK. I'm also content with drip dry - bit of clean water won't worry clothes or me.

I once asked someone what a bidet was and he said it's 2 days before D Day.

[MikeD]

This is hilarious.  Yet a lot of good information here.   9 years in Thailand and only this year I got to liking the gun.  But after reading this story, I am convinced it is a far better choice.  Simply because saving trees and the cost of producing TP.  Never took that into consideration.  Thanks for the report Tim.   Appreciate your talents.

[Marble-eye]

Been here 9 years and I've never once had the urge to use one of those contraptions. I wouldn't know where to start, is it all gun, if so isn't there a chance of some shrapnel ricocheting of the toilet walls or does the hand play a part in this messy operation?

[DwizzleyMatthews]

I think the bum gun is a fine art, the pressure cannot be too high or you will pebbledash the toilet bowl and could be in danger of forcing the dangleberries back inside !!

Too low and you will not get adequate cleansing of the rusty bullet hole and some odour might linger , soi dogs following you back home is a good indication of poor hygiene as a result of an untidy chocolate starfish !!

[Marble-eye]

8 minutes ago, DwizzleyMatthews said:

I think the bum gun is a fine art, the pressure cannot be too high or you will pebbledash the toilet bowl and could be in danger of forcing the dangleberries back inside !!

Too low and you will not get adequate cleansing of the rusty bullet hole and some odour might linger , soi dogs following you back home is a good indication of poor hygiene as a result of an untidy chocolate starfish !!

Is "dangle berries" a regional term for clinkers or chug nuts?

[BigHewer]

4 hours ago, Tim_Melb said:

When entering the facility one should always test the pressure of said gun before you start that way any pressure adjustment can be made in advance of pointing the gun on yourself. Then you simply perform your necessities and wash up without fear...

Extremely important post. Some a*** blasters have stronger pressure than others. I too do a test shot first. Aiming low of course, for safety.

[Bluesofa]

2 minutes ago, BigHewer said:

Extremely important post. Some a*** blasters have stronger pressure than others. I too do a test shot first. Aiming low of course, for safety.

Or was that 'do a test shot first' with 'shot' spelt with an 'i'?

[DwizzleyMatthews]

13 minutes ago, Marble-eye said:

Is "dangle berries" a regional term for clinkers or chug nuts?

Winnits 

Tag nuts

Dangleberries 

Farmer Giles

Emma Freuds 

are all popular terms for arse grapes, you might have your own regional version , which can cause unnecessary discomfort.

But now your problems can be cured :

 

[BigHewer]

7 minutes ago, DwizzleyMatthews said:

Winnits 

Tag nuts

Dangleberries 

Farmer Giles

Emma Freuds 

are all popular terms for arse grapes, you might have your own regional version , which can cause unnecessary discomfort.

But now your problems can be cured :

“Dingle berry” is the term I use, but not sure where that is from. Could be from my time in Australia, UK or Texas in my younger years…

[Marble-eye]

3 minutes ago, DwizzleyMatthews said:

Winnits 

Tag nuts

Dangleberries 

Farmer Giles

Emma Freuds 

are all popular terms for arse grapes, you might have your own regional version , which can cause unnecessary discomfort.

But now your problems can be cured :

I find using my wifes kitchen scissors does the trick the best.

[Pinetree]

4 minutes ago, Marble-eye said:

I find using my wifes kitchen scissors does the trick the best.

A long handled spoon, like the ones you use for long glass ice-creams from Swenson's  will do the trick 

[Noble_Design]

15 minutes ago, DwizzleyMatthews said:

Winnits 

Tag nuts

Dangleberries 

Farmer Giles

Emma Freuds 

are all popular terms for arse grapes, you might have your own regional version , which can cause unnecessary discomfort.

But now your problems can be cured :

Where can I buy one?

[DwizzleyMatthews]

9 minutes ago, BigHewer said:

“Dingle berry” is the term I use, but not sure where that is from. Could be from my time in Australia, UK or Texas in my younger years…

A lot of our U.K. based obscenities are quite ancient but many have been revived thanks to an adults “ comic “ called Viz, here’s a popular character who, through the medium of pop art is attempting to reduce discomfort caused by Farmers, Dangleberries, Winnits, Chalfonts, etc , etc

 

[Bluesofa]

23 minutes ago, DwizzleyMatthews said:

Winnits 

Tag nuts

Dangleberries 

Farmer Giles

Emma Freuds 

are all popular terms for arse grapes, you might have your own regional version , which can cause unnecessary discomfort.

{snipped}

Mike Harding - an English comedian, once said, "If the world had piles it would be at Cleator Moor."

Cleator Moor is at the arse-end of Cumbria, about five miles from the coast. I went there once to do a job (so to speak) and realised what he meant.
It was a cloudy, very depressing-looking place with rain blowing in off the sea all the time I was there.

[Bluesofa]

19 minutes ago, Noble_Design said:

35 minutes ago, DwizzleyMatthews said:

Winnits 

Tag nuts

Dangleberries 

Farmer Giles

Emma Freuds 

are all popular terms for arse grapes, you might have your own regional version , which can cause unnecessary discomfort.

But now your problems can be cured :

Expand  

Where can I buy one?

Someone once said said Eastbourne was good for piles.
So I went there and got some.

[DwizzleyMatthews]

45 minutes ago, Bluesofa said:

Mike Harding - an English comedian, once said, "If the world had piles it would be at Cleator Moor."

Cleator Moor is at the arse-end of Cumbria, about five miles from the coast. I went there once to do a job (so to speak) and realised what he meant.
It was a cloudy, very depressing-looking place with rain blowing in off the sea all the time I was there.

Sounds like Porthcawl , overlooks Port Talbot, I swear the pub/hotel was going to get blown off the cliffs into the sea !!

Mike Harding was hilarious in his heyday, saw him a few times live in sunny Bradford.

[JamesR]

15 hours ago, HolyCowCm said:

Water by far is my choice. Everytime I visit the USA now I end up having a raw rear-end experience that can be quite painful. After that happens then the lotion comes out and then it is only a matter of time to wait fro the calluses to appear before the pain goes away. And in my opinion if I have to have calluses formed then I've been in the US already too long and it's time to go back home.

So when in the USA take a shower after a visit to the bogs as I do in the UK.

[HolyCowCm]

5 hours ago, JamesR said:

So when in the USA take a shower after a visit to the bogs as I do in the UK.

Normally when I visit I stay at my family's and friend's homes, and many USA bathrooms will not have just a speparate shower but a bathtub combines with the shower nozzle in it. So that makes it a little gross and so I will abstain. Staying at a hotel is no problem for that, and yes I do it when staying at hotels, but it is still after wiping a little bit to get the crud off. It is inevitable of getting the wipe rash. In the USA I move around as many places to visit family and friends, and so I normally will stay at their places as per request and so a few of these places are in really out of the way areas in mountains or country. But I do agree with you if at all possible.

[Augratin]

21 hours ago, vvdb.fr said:

after using the gun, I use more paper to dry the area !

 

 

Yeah, this.  I appreciate the spray especially since my, um... "deposits" here seem to be a little messier than they were back home. More oil/grease in the food, maybe?  Anyway, paper always worked fine for me. First wipe, gets the dirty business done. Second wipe, a few skid marks remain. Third swipe comes away clean.

And the spray alone doesn't get everything. Try washing dishes with just a stream of running water and see how clean they get. If you are using toilet paper and just "smearing everything around", you need to go back to potty training school.

 

Verdict: it's not an either/or question. Spray followed by a few swipes to check for klingons and dry yourself.

[Poolie]

Izal Medicated anyone?

The best way to re-arrange your 'leftovers' around your fundament ever invented?

[Marble-eye]

Does anyone else think that this thread has reached rock 'bottom'.

[Bluesofa]

3 hours ago, Marble-eye said:

Does anyone else think that this thread has reached rock 'bottom'.

There used to a saying years ago in the UK:

Has the bottom fallen out of your world? Drink Draught Bass and let the world fall out of your bottom.

[Poolie]

1 hour ago, Bluesofa said:

There used to a saying years ago in the UK:

Has the bottom fallen out of your world? Drink Draught Bass and let the world fall out of your bottom.

There's a reason why Newcastle Brown Ale is for the discerning palate...........

[Benroon]

This is really simple to break down - if someone shit on your arm would you immediately wash it off or would you rub it with paper ??

There’s your answer